Having my husband work 70 hrs a week and no family within 200 miles is a tough situation  but honestly I don’t know any different. I feel strongly that to grow closer as husband and wife, a couple really needs to break off from both families and rely on each other, growing closer in unity and relying only on each other to build that bond and trust. There comes a point however, when you have that good bond with your spouse and a strength to your relationship that you don’t carry with anyone else. We are at this stage now, and have been there for a while. To me this is the perfect stage to be around family. Help from loving grandparents who love to spend time with their small grandchildren while their mommy goes to a doctor appointment. Help with more than two examples of righteous living. Help with buildings of strong relationships between aunts, uncles, gma, gpa, and especially cousins that can turn into lifelong friends. Help in the form of love felt from extended family.

Having tight knit family help and support is not the case for our little family, and it’s nothing new to me. I have learned to become independent and run my own show at home. If I want to try something or go somewhere, I don’t need someone to come with me, even though it would make it more fun! I have learned to branch out and meet new people, to be more understanding and willing to help others in need. Even simple things like being confident instead of scared in a new town. It has made me a strong person.

With my husband being gone so much he tells me it almost seems wrong that other guys have a 8-5 schedule 5 days a week. He said once he wouldn’t know what to do with himself! I laughed and told him there was a whole list of things I could write for him 😉

In all sincerity though, there is never a time when I sit down and think oh yay, the to do list is all crossed off and I don’t have anything left to do besides eat chocolate and soak up this chick flick! Boy does that sound like heaven!

Tips to help you:

Find a babysitter right away. This is ESSENTIAL for all parents with little kids. Know you have the option to get away and run errands by yourself a couple times a month. Know you can go on a date with your husband. This happens when you find a babysitter or two. I find mine through our church but there are many on craigslist and group facebook pages for your community. I have lived in my current community for 2 years now and have 4 babysitters I can try calling for dates, and a community facebook page I can post if I want to swap childcare with another mom so that I can go volunteer in my sons class or run errand or go to the dentist or SOMETHING haha.

Get a gym membership or join some sort of workout group. This is my favorite thing! I have found a Zumba class that I can’t stand to miss! I love going to dance and exercise without my children under me (literally, when trying to do push ups in my workout at home). It is an out for me, even if I spend an hour getting the kids ready to go because everyone’s shoes seem to be hiding, I feel like it’s worth it! I get to be around other grown ups and I get to exercise for a healthier me.

Find a play date/mommy group. It’s great to get together with other moms at a park or the church and let the kids run around while you get to chat it up! Bring water and snacks so you don’t have to leave early due to whiny kids and make sure their is a bathroom at the park they chose or you can bring a training potty with you (there is no bathroom at the park by us-WEIRD)

Send your extended family pictures about once a week so you can hear their feedback and have regular communication with them. Maybe set up a family facebook page? We have one for both sides of our extended family and they are nice to have.

Prepare a family newsletter every year. I have really enjoyed doing this and I think I sent the last one out mid January which summarized the previous year’s main events and what our children are into at the moment. Keep one for yourself to put in a family scrapbook or journal or something so you can look back someday.

Let your kids “talk” on the phone to family and have pictures on your wall of extended family to help them remember who they are between visits. My baby loves to listen to Grandma’s voice on the phone. Sometimes I can call her when he is crying and he will stop crying to listen.

Keep yourself busy during the day. This means put your phone down, turn the TV off, stand up, and do something beneficial! A body in motion tends to stay in motion and this is a great thing. This doesn’t mean you have to be “getting things done” every second of the day because in fact, you need to slow down with your cuties once in a while and study that rock they found with them or take a few minutes for “cuddle time”. The point is to put important things first and turn on electronics last. This is the only way I have found to really feel productive in the day.

People ask me what I do all day, and parents to the children that I am back-up childcare for, assume I am home all day long with no set plans. Couldn’t be farther from the truth. To anyone curious about what I am responsible for, here is a shortened list that doesn’t include my involvement as a back-up babysitter to 3 families:

I am in charge of ALL finances-creating budgets. updating the category budgets once a week by scanning through our credit card charges. paying bills on time-we get paid twice a month so I go in and pay set bills with each paycheck. Scanning for fraudulent purchases. purchasing reasonably priced, quality gifts for both sides of the extended family as holidays and birthdays approach. Doing the same for our own family. Meal planning and using what we have to save on food budgeting. Making sure we purchase necessities like toilet paper and shoes for the kids, computer paper and ink, this list goes on for eternity so I use my dry erase board when I notice we are getting low on something. price comparisons and reading reviews. going through and filing or trashing all mail. phone calls on financial things. Looking at yard sales for things we need first, then craigslist, then Amazon, then sales at the store.

I am responsible for the kids-taking them to the doctor, remembering their medicines, keeping their nails trimmed, cutting their hair, giving them baths, washing their clothes and bedding, keeping them from jumping out in front of cars, giving them napkins so they don’t wipe their fingers on their shirt, teaching them everything from how to use a fork to why we should be grateful, reading to them every day, loving on them with hugs and kisses, giving them self confidence, signing them up for sports and supporting them by taking them to practice and coming to games, helping them with homework, teaching them the alphabet, limiting their screen time and giving them developmentally increasing activities to do . changing their diapers and wiping their bums, potty training

I am responsible for the food in our home. Making sure we are eating healthy, whole foods. Teaching my children about nutritious foods vs junk foods. Planning meals for 6 people and making them. Purchasing the needed food for the meals or finding a food pantry in the community when are out of real food and don’t get paid for a few days (I can’t wait to be able to volunteer at one of these places someday!)

I am responsible for the upkeep of our home and the garden. I do the laundry, clean the bathtubs and showers, wash the glass doors and mirrors, file the paperwork, vacuum, sweep, mop, wash doorways and doors, sanitize countertops, wipe down table legs and the sticky backs of the chairs, putting the holiday decorations up and taking them down, dusting, taking the trash out, remembering garbage/recycle day, organizing the garage, cleaning out the SUV, keeping the pantry organized, cleaning the fridge microwave and oven, directing my kids as they clean their rooms, refilling soap dispensers, changing the furnace filter, replacing lights that burn out, cleaning couches. plant the garden.weed the garden.

I am responsible for the upkeep of myself. Exercising and eating right, getting enough sleep, showering and doing my hair enough so that I don’t look homeless haha! Reading my scriptures and praying, doing things I enjoy like reading educational articles and singing. Brushing and flossing my teeth, doctor appointments for myself.

I am responsible for being a partner with my husband. Asking about his day and showing him how much I appreciate and love him. Laughing with him. Making sure he has clean clothes for work most of the time. Making him breakfast in the morning. Purchase anything he is needing like new shavers, work clothes, etc. Talking to him about the kids and anything else important.

I am responsible to Heavenly Father for church particiapation through callings, attendance, worthiness. Reading my scriptures, praying, following through with my commitments to my calling, going visiting teaching, offering my assistance when I can to those needing help in my ward, participation in church events to support those who worked hard to plan them, making my home available to the missionaries for dinner. Keeping the commandments. Raising my children to love God.

Like I said, there’s more where that came from as I’m sure people reading this may know, and my amazing husband is able to help me when he is home and can muster the energy-he was a cleaning maniac for Mother’s Day because all I wanted was service through cleaning the house. Best mother’s day ever!) I am very blessed and grateful for my ability to be the one to teach and raise our children!

Jexi Burke

I want to yell when something unexpected and urgent comes up. I used to believe that if my kids went potty before we left, we would avoid the hassle of taking a bathroom break at the store. An uninterrupted shopping trip is what I planned on. This created much anger and frustration for me when kids had to pee at the store. I didn’t expect it and I put the effort in to prevent it! However, after much shopping with my kids, I now EXPECT that my children will need to go potty there. When you expect to be interrupted and distracted, you are sort of mentally prepared and the reaction is more “okay, here we go” instead of “crap! why does this have to happen?! ” which usually ends up in grouchiness and speaking harshly to my children. Now I’m not saying to expect the worst from your children and treat every circumstance like a no biggie, but things like taking the kids to the bathroom at the store, or cleaning up a juice spill during dinner are things children can’t help doing once in a while. They are children so will do childish things. We can’t expect them to be as coordinated or emotionally controlled as an adult. In fact, sometimes to keep my cool I have to think of my children as mentally disabled because they are, if you’re trying to compare them with adults who have fully grown brains. Our cuties won’t have the ability to think logically or control emotion well until they are 8 years old, and even then, they won’t reach full brain maturity until closer to 20 years of age. This knowledge changes me perspective in knowing that my children can learn, but children will still act childishly because they are children and literally not mature mentally. So expect your children to be childish, but that doesn’t mean give up on them. Expect that your potty training child may have an accident and be ready for it, but don’t let up on taking her every hour. Be calmly consistent. They will eventually get it, and overcome things you are worried about, with your help.

I want to yell when power struggles come up. Avoid power struggles when you can. Give kids good warning when a change is coming up to make the transition smoother, and give them choices whenever possible. I give a 2 min warning when we go to the park so my kids have time to process leaving soon. Sometimes I ask how many more minutes they want. Usually it’s reasonable, and I don’t get any argument when I say time’s up! You could also give them a choice- do you want 2 more minutes or 5 more minutes? Let them feel like they have some control. There is always a choice to be found like, “Do you want to stay seated and eat dinner or get down and go to bed hungry?” Or possibly, “You can pick up your toys or if they don’t matter enough to you to take care of then I will come in and put them in the yard sale box.”

I want to yell at my children because I want them to actually listen to me and do what I’m saying so they don’t suffer a consequence. I repeat my request hoping they will listen the 2nd time? Sometimes it’s because I don’t want them to have to have a correction and other times it is out of laziness on my part, not wanting to have to think of one. This is where our time outs come in-our kids time out is not their correction, it’s a place they go so they don’t cause any more trouble while I think of a related consequence. At one point I realized that I was using yelling as a replacement of the consequence for not listening the first time. Calmly correct the first time, like a police officer would. They don’t scream at you as they write you up, you just get your ticket for breaking the speed limit. Enforce but don’t take it personally when they don’t listen, and don’t use yelling as your punishment.

I want to yell when we are going to be late. Tight scheduling and rushing don’t work and lead to a CRAZY SAUCE MOMMY! I got into the habit of rushing to church at the last minute years ago, because when we get their early it means more time for my kids to suffer sitting on the bench while I wrestle with them-am I right? So pretty soon I was leaving as close as possible to getting there exactly on time and then we had more children and it became us being late. The pressure of time causes a natural desire to hurry in me, but my cuties don’t even know how many seconds are in a minute let alone what it means when I say we have to leave in a half hour! I tried to explain the time of one minute and ended up telling them that one minute was about how long it takes to walk up the stairs of the tallest slide at the park and slide to the bottom. I have to give myself an hour slot for us to finish our morning getting-ready-for-the-day routine before we go anywhere. Even that is pushing it, and any less time is almost a guaranteed a yelled sentence here or there. Allow yourself enough time in the day by expecting that everything will take a long time, and if it goes quickly YAY, try to have a backup plan in case you get extra time of things you can do or fun you can have with your kids.

I want to yell in power struggles. Avoid power struggles when you can. This is done by giving choices-not putting them in control by asking something like “would you like to do your chores today?” but instead “I notice you haven’t started your chores yet. Which one would you like to do first?” type thing. My rule is give 2 choices, maybe 3 because more than that always seems pretty overwhelming to my kids and they usually end up choosing something weird that they don’t even like. Whatever you do, if you give them a choice, be willing to accept either option they choose. This was taught to me in college Psychology and I thought it was brilliant! For example, it was my cousin’s birthday and his parents wanted him to try the dinner they made. He wouldn’t even take a bite. So…they gave him a choice that he could either take one bite just to try it and be done, or he wouldn’t get any of his birthday cake. Guess what? He chose no birthday cake. See, I think the parents were trying to come up with an option so awful that he would just take the bite of food and when he chose no birthday cake they decided they wouldn’t have that either because who shouldn’t have birthday cake on their birthday? They altered his choices to be either try a bite or do all the dinner dishes by hand himself (they didn’t have a dishwasher). They were honestly okay about whichever option he chose. It is actually really hard to do, because you have to sit and think in your head how you would feel if they really did choose this or that and make sure the correction fits the problem so that there are no hard feelings on the child’s side of being too harsh, and no hard feelings on your side by feeling like the child got away with something.

I want to yell at a children when he or she seems naughty all day. An idea to avoid this that rings true with all of my children, is spending quality time with them and connecting with them on a daily basis. This magically make them WANT to listen to me more and actually do what I ask without yelling or correction. When your children know you love them enough to take sincere interest in what THEY are saying or what you are doing to play with them, they will be more likely to listen to YOU and help you when you ask. I think the most important part is connecting with each child SOME time during the day, even if it’s just for a minute, really examining that picture she colored and holding her tight while you tell her great work, or saying yes when he asks you to build legos with him, really focusing on him and trying to create something amazing, even for a minute or two. Try to say yes more. I am in the habit of saying no, for some reason 😉 Would it really hurt for them to get a treat at the store to share? Or go to the park even though everyone’s shoes need to be found first? I know it takes a lot of effort and there are always ‘things’ that need to be done but what kinds of things do we want our kids to remember us doing with them as a child?

I get the urge to yell when my youngest is crying and everyone else needs me at that moment too. When my 4th child was born I quickly started using the phrase “please wait your turn, I am helping ___ right now and then I will get right to you. Sometimes it gets so intense that I need to say okay everyone, it’s MOMMY’S turn now, usually because I have to go to the bathroom, get my workout in, or do a step of prepping dinner.

Feeling bitter can be a yelling trigger. It may seem unfair how much your children, or even your spouse, expects of you. When you feel things are unfair, do what makes you happy for you. It is important to take a turn for yourself sometimes. Forget the to-do list for a half hour a day and do something that makes you happy! Tell your children to work it out themselves or don’t be by each other. You don’t have to lose your identity in motherhood. For example, I like to garden. Growing food that will help our budget and our health does wonders for my soul :D! Also reading nutrition stuff is great too, or even just sitting and resting my eyes with NO GUILT while my kids are by me watching a show is pretty nice too. We. Deserve. Something. If you are always giving and never receiving, your tank is running on negative, which is usually=depression or bitterness. Bitterness keeps you from shining. You can’t take care of your family right if you are neglecting your own needs.

Cherish the moments. Lately I have tried to really live in a moment every day and imprint the memory of it in my brain. I get so sick of people saying -it will be over before I know it- or- they grow up so fast- or -enjoy it while I can before they are gone, etc. What are you people talking about. The mothers living in this stage have a hard time cherishing anything when they barely get a chance to go to the bathroom or wipe makeup off from the day before. Our arm feels like it’s gonna fall off from holding a baby or toddler all the time and we only own clothes that are as old as our first born because once you have kids, how ya gonna go try on clothes with a kid trying to escape under the changing door (why can’t they just make the door go all the way to the floor? It baffles me.). The thing is, it may be impossible to cherish everything, but we can take time to cherish something once in a while. Just remembering to cherish things is a challenge that I am trying and you know what? It happens a few times a week and really makes me happier and enjoy motherhood more when I do.

Yelling never created a change of heart in my children to want to do right-just temporary fear to do what I want so mommy isn’t mad anymore. Not the end goal, right? Have you ever yelled at your cuties? What tips do you have for us on yell reduction in the home? I can’t wait to read your suggestions below!

The need to sleep train a baby comes from different things. Have you been co-sleeping and need them in their own bed? Maybe they need a bottle or the breast to fall asleep and you’re ready for them to kick the habit? Perhaps that cutie HAS been sleeping well and just started waking up frequently again? Some babies can sleep through the night coming home from the hospital. I never had one of those babies…and whenever I wonder why my baby keeps waking up, or why they just cry instead of konk out, I mentally go down the list:

Is he hungry? Is he hot or cold? Is he feverish or stuffed up? Is he teething? Is his diaper still clean? Does he have a diaper rash? Is he simply not tired because of a late nap? Is he scared of something? Is there enough light in the room? Does he have a tag on his clothes tickling him or scratching him?

You wouldn’t believe the things I find like dried bread crust down the onesie or a small piece of candy stuck to the back of her hair under her head, or a soiled diaper right after I changed him with a magical instant diaper rash to go along with it. Make sure your baby is well fed, clean diaper, comfy clothes,  has proper medication and humidifier for coughing or stuffy nose, teething or fever, and has nothing possible to be scared about. My favorite night light is a small touch lamp on the lowest setting.

When my first was 8 months old I was utterly exhausted with him sucking to sleep then screaming awake every half hour only to need to suck to sleep again. I new he was not hungry and he wouldn’t take a pacifier-only the breast. It was infuriating and I was always tired. I had to figure something out! So I researched different techniques and read others’ experiences and ended up having to let him cry to sleep in his crib for 3 nights so that he learned to put himself to sleep. I would go in every five minutes at first to tell him it’s ok I love you time for bed go to sleep. I wouldn’t stay in there for more than 30 seconds before I would leave again and I wouldn’t pick him up. After a while I went in every ten minutes if he was still crying, then every 15 minutes. It is very hard because you don’t want to let your baby cry but none of the no cry methods worked for him and I desperately needed sleep and to stop my frustration with him. I know this is not for everyone and I never thought I would let my baby cry but I was at the end of my rope and desperate. If you decide to try something like this, make sure it is when your baby is not sick. My last two babies have gone to sleep better with a very soft blanket or small stuffed animal.

My 3rd child got hysterical when I tried to sleep train her and I ended up sleeping by her crib, refusing to let her suck to sleep. She still cried a ton but I knew she wasn’t scared with me there. I co-slept a lot with her but once she fell off the bed at 6 months old that was it and she needed to learn to sleep in her crib.

So what do I do when they wake up in the night during sleep training? I always immediately go to them. If it has been a few hours they may be hungry anyway for a bottle. If you are trying to wean night feedings you can either do half milk half water or give them a half bottle of milk and just lower it from there. If your baby’s body is used to getting a bottle in the night then your baby really will wake up hungry.

NOW, if your baby was sleeping well in the night and recently decided to get up again, that’s pretty different but the problem needs to be fixed within two nights or it will become habitual for your baby to get up frequently again and WE DON’T WANT THAT, RIGHT?! The first possibility is that your baby is falling asleep somewhere other than where they wake up in the night. Whenever this happened around here, every one of my babies had a rough sleep the rest of the night. Make sure your baby falls asleep where they will be the rest of the night. The hardest part of this for me was them falling asleep in the car seat-SO TEMPTING to just carry them in in the car seat and let them sleep their for the night. BUT not only could it lead to a rough night but it also contributes to a flat spot forming on your baby’s skull.

Another issue is make sure your baby isn’t scared and has enough light. My 6 yr old can talk YAY so he can tell me if he is scared and why. Last time he was scared was because the lights of cars going by in the night cast weird moving shadows through his blinds at night-easy fix-curtains! It’s so nice when they can communicate haha! However babies can’t do that so it ends up being a guessing game. Think of the basic reasons for being scared-weird sound, weird shadows, too dark, etc.

The third problem could be eating patterns. Sometimes they hit a growth spurt and just want to feed night and day all of a sudden, and that’s normal to a certain extent. There is no test that can confirm a growth spurt so make sure they are getting enough to eat in the day, just in case they are trying to compensate at night. Once they are more awake in the day it gets harder for me to get my baby to eat-he just wants to stare around and see what’s going on! If you can, find a quiet spot to feed so he or she can be more focused on the task! I know, I know, easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort so you get your sleep, right? Comment below if you have any further knowledge to share with us!

4:30pm rolls around and I kick myself because I haven’t planned dinner yet. This causes 2 issues-First, it creates the urge to go out to eat which is unhealthy for body and budget. Second, in your unpreparedness you grab things to use that might not need to be used up first, causing waste of foods that needed to be eaten before going bad. Throwing food away is throwing money away. The accepted statistic in America is that 40% of food gets thrown out. That is shocking!

One answer to all this is meal planning. When I sit down to plan meals I look in my fridge at what needs to be eaten first. Knowing what’s in your fridge and freezer is important so you CAN meal plan. There’s no sense in purchasing food at a great deal or even getting it free if it ends up in the dump from being freezer burnt or forgotten and molding in your fridge drawer.

In my home leftovers get thrown out if it hits a week old, has been reheated 3 times and still not eaten, or has sat out for over 2 hours because I embarrassingly forgot to put it away. By meal planning you control what is eaten in what order and save yourself the stress of a last minute brain scuffle . I think about the oldest things in my fridge or freezer, any produce on the counter that is getting over ripe, etc. and try to use up things together that need to be eaten.  One example of this is when I had leftover chicken from grilling the other night, carrots that were going limp in the fridge drawer, and potatoes getting wrinkly. For dinner  I could use up all three to make a curry stew over rice OR chicken pot pie. You can even just type in an item or two to google with the word “recipe” after and search to see if you can come up with any new recipe ideas to eat them.

Many people have a recipe box or binder which is great (I have those too) but I’ve found it beneficial to write down a list on one sheet of paper of all the meals we commonly eat because chances are we have the stuff for those items if we eat them on a regular basis. Also you can use that list to meal plan the week, for example: Monday dinner is hamburgers, green salad, fries and grapes. Chances are I will have buns left over so I will plan on making sloppy joes a few days after with some mashed potatoes, lets say Wednesday. Tuesday is tacos and I usually have extra taco meat so Wednesday’s lunch could be quesadillas with taco meat in the cheese. Maybe I have a leftover hamburger patty from Monday so I can chop it up and add it to the bottom layer of shepherds pie on Thursday, topping that off with leftover mashed potatoes from our sloppy joe meal. I’m not sure if you followed all that but the point is you can make leftovers into different meals instead of having leftovers of the same meal every other night.

After you have meal planned for the week based on what you already have or what needs to be eaten, make a list of what you need to get at the store to finish off those meals and have healthy snack options. You will spend far less if you go to the store knowing what meals you are making and what items you need to complete those meals instead of wandering around the store, purchasing whatever with no plan. Don’t ignore the food you already have at home. If you don’t know what you have, go through your freezer and cupboards and make a list or just familiarize yourself and get it somewhat organized.

Warning:

I gained a good amount of weight one year because we were receiving free goodies from our neighbors and I felt like I should eat them so they didn’t go to waste. I finally realized that it was worse to eat junk than tossing it. My body was suffering by taking in foods with high calories and no nutrients. I no longer feel bad if I enjoy a taste and throw away the rest if it’s been a few days. Foods I don’t feel too bad throwing out include white refined breads, candy, and pastries. I hardly ever buy these things.

I also had a problem throwing away my children’s leftovers so I would eat their leftovers after I just ate my own meal. Please don’t get into this habit. Put some cling wrap or press n seal on their plate and stick it in the fridge for their snack (my kids are hungry every 10 min it seems!). Sometimes I do end up eating their leftovers, but later on when I get hungry again.

I love meal planning because I know the difference it can make on our food budget by not wasting, and I save time by planning ahead!

Best Wishes! Jexi Burke