***Disclaimer: This post is meant to be COMICAL as much as anything else. I was going to create a post on how to get more rest as a mother, which I still may do, BUT I thought it would be more fun to approach it this way instead. I do understand that some days and weeks, we are simply trying to survive without being able to function productively. Please do not choose to be offended or made to feel guilty by this post. Instead, laugh at me or with me on these things that have bit me in the butt throughout Motherhood…Without further ado…8 Habits for Miserable Parenthood!
Habit #1-Never make a plan, never make a list. If you want to feel unorganized, unproductive, waste time, and spend more money than you need to, don’t ever make a list and number your priorities for the day. Knowing what your priorities are and having a plan will make you simply too wise with your time!
2- Never stick to a lunch or snack schedule. This makes your kids whine at you all day long so that it feels like the only thing you are doing all day is feeding people. If you had breakfast, snacks, and lunch at specific intervals they might catch on and stop nagging you for food all day. You would also be able to say no when they ask for food at other times, and you may end up with less picky eaters. That would be no good for the goals we are after.
3-Never think about dinner until your spouse calls to say they are coming! Planning meals ahead of time is a big no-no if your goal is to be stressed out and exhausted. By planning meals for the day with leftovers and things you already have, you may even save money as well by not wasting food-we wouldn’t want that, now would we? We need to procrastinate the foodstuff as long as we can until we are going crazy with trying to come up with a meal, deal with the kids, and clean up. This will make it possible for you to give in and get unhealthy McDonald’s for everyone that will run you 40 bucks for one family meal. If your goal is to spend a lot of money on unhealthy food every month, this fulfills that goal as well! It’s a good thing you didn’t realize you could have made a meal from something healthier in the time it took you to get into the car, drive to McDonald’s, wait to give your order, get your order, and drive home.
4-Let the kids sleep in! It’s so tempting to have that extra morning time to yourself, so just let it happen! By letting the kids sleep in, it allows them more energy late into the night! This means you won’t have time to be productive or have time to yourself at the end of your day! This is the perfect scenario if your goal is to be exhausted. If you got them up at a certain time you could be consistent with a bed time as well, and that could turn into extra rest or productivity for you which is the opposite goal of this post!
5-Stay up extremely late. We all want a little time to ourselves, right? Why not extend the usual 2 hours of staying up after the kids go to bed to SIX hours? That would be amazing! Then we could try to sleep in the next day as the kids yank our hair, we could drag our feet all day as we try to care for our household, and then DO IT AGAIN! I have done this many times in my experience as a mother and would truly recommend it to anyone who wants to be utterly exhausted and unproductive every day. You could even develop an addiction to caffeine by participating in this habit.
6-Avoid physical activity. Sit on the bench every time you take your kids to the park. Stare at your phone or computer or TV all day. Try not to find active things that you enjoy doing by yourself or with other people. This way you will feel sluggish and unmotivated, and the pounds may creep on. Don’t even think of starting up something like gardening, painting, building a project from wood, dancing with your children to music, or signing up for a 5k with a friend.
7-Never ask for help. When we ask for help we may get free childcare so we can get a nap. We also might be able to take care of ourselves in other ways such as getting dental work done, getting a skin cancer screening, going to the gym, or addressing an issue with depression.
8-Never get rid of anything. It could eventually be useful for something, right? And right now, all of the clutter is very useful for making a mess and expending your energy as you keep it all in order. The best part is how much time you will waste looking for things that you need, in the piles of stuff that you never use. It’s just so pleasing when I spend more time picking up a toy than my child spent playing with it!
I hope this post gave you a laugh, friend! You are not alone in your struggles, and no one can be perfect for long. You are important, and what you do matters more than you know. Find something every day, no matter how small, that you can look forward to. Lately, I look forward to tiny walks in our yard with my children, to see what new things have bloomed in our garden.
Until next time,
Jexi