I remember spitefully asking my mother (back then) why my 2 yr old brother didn’t have chores-because it felt like I had chores since birth! The silly thing is that he was on a stepstool by my mother’s side, splashing in the sink while she did the dishes when I asked that question. I realize now that he was doing the first step of “chores” just by watching my mother. Chores aren’t simply “routine household tasks” as the dictionary defines them. Chores are the homework, or practice, of life. I am not forcing physical labor upon my children with chores-I am teaching them how to keep things organized so they aren’t constantly looking for things, how to clean so that their environment is sanitary and prevents sickness(and mice!).  I am going to do my best from the time they are born to teach them to live independently. My 12 month old knows what the word “garbage” means now and will joyfully throw away a few things a day like his banana peels or wrappers after snacks, and diapers after a change. He gets a spoon with meals but is still working on how to use it(or even keep it on his tray!). To me, my 1 yr old learning to feed himself is just as important as my 6 yr old learning to do his own load of laundry from start to finish, because they can’t expect me to feed them and do their laundry their whole lives! Yes there are developmental limits to the tasks we can expect at each age, but the concept stays the same-we are accountable for teaching them to be responsible and do the best they can. Who else is gonna teach them? Example is the biggest key, and it’s the first step noticed in any lesson we teach. Babies always have their eyes on us, watching whatever we do and as soon as they learn to control their movements, they copy us!-even when it makes no sense to them. That’s how they learn! The first step is watch someone do it. Let your kids see you being productive and following an organized routine instead of keeping your face in your phone all day and cleaning when they are in bed at night. Cheerfully tell them that you could really use their help (even though you know the task will take AT LEAST twice as long with their “help”). Kids love to be needed and to feel like heroes!

Steps for teaching a “chore”

Number One-Give them the opportunity to watch YOU perform the task. Number Two-Have them help you perform the task, showing them exactly what to do and how. Number Three- Have THEM perform the task while you are there to help and confirm any questions they have about the task. Number Four-Let them try it out on their own without you right there so they can excitedly tell you they did it on their own and to come check it out! It takes a LOT of work as mommy to teach my children a chore. For example, I had to show my 12 month old where the garbage was and how to put something inside. THEN I could ask him to help me do it, so I take his hand and we go together to the trash can where I place the garbage in his hand and help him drop it in! Then follows a large clapping and cheering ordeal to praise him for his efforts. But ALAS it’s still not over folks-the next time we do it, I am the helper instead of him, “overseeing” his task by encouraging him (yes, that is the garbage can, yes I want you to put it in there) because this is his first attempt by himself. And last of all, the “maintenance” mode where I tell him his task and simply make sure he follows through. Would it be easier to just throw a piece of trash away by myself? Oooooh yeah! But in the long run, by spending the time to teach my child, I am working myself out of SO many chores I would need to do in the future if I always did everything for them.It’s a good idea to check your child’s work but don’t expect it to be perfect! Give them an explosion of praise and thank them for being part of the family. If you expect perfection and constantly correct the task they did their best to complete, you slash their self confidence and eagerness to do the task because who wants to do something they are no good at anyway, right?

Teaching children to help willingly around the house can be tricky! Should we reward them when they help?…or does that mean they will  expect a reward for every good thing they do? And in addition to that, if we lead by example and willingly help them with things-will that slow their independence and their ability to do things on their own? Do we expect too much of our children or not enough?

Okay I’m just gonna tell you the secret!

One day I was pretty darn tired folks! My oldest was in school so I asked my 3 year old if she would clear the entire dishwasher if I gave her a dollar! Now a dollar around here is a big deal for a little kid and she seemed excited to try. I sat on the couch while she made the attempt, fully expecting that she would make it about half way because that was her normal chore. Well that little cutie cleared the whole dishwasher and did it super quick! I couldn’t believe it… I gave her the well-earned dollar and a million bucks worth of praises! Then a revelation hit me-SHE CAN CLEAR THE DISHWASHER ALL BY HERSELF. I didn’t know she could do that before. She knew where everything went from the top and bottom racks and utensils. Now when I want to test wether my children have the realistic ability to do something I have never fully expected of them, I bribe them with big bucks or some kind of grand prize if they can accomplish it. If they can do it, AWESOME SAUCE and I add it to the list of chores I can realistically expect them to do. If they give a great attempt and don’t make it, I know they aren’t ready for it yet and just need to keep up the baby steps!

DON’T EXPECT YOUR CUTIE TO DO A CHORE THEY HAVE NEVER DONE, NO MATTER HOW EASY IT IS (FOR YOU)!

For example, sweeping! I don’t remember learning how to sweep so it must have been a piece of cake right!? Ooooohoho no. You never knew how hard sweeping could be till you teach someone who has never done it! My 6 year old can ride a 2 wheeler and read but he can’t get this sweeping thing down? Please have patience when something so easy for you is so difficult for your cutie to learn. They may not be ready, or they may just need a lot of practice and reminders on how to do it right.

OFFERING INCENTIVES FOR CHORES

My favorite are natural incentives for finishing chores such as “if you finish your chores quickly you will have more time to play outside.” I do not pay my children to clean up after themselves or for finishing their normal responsibilities…but I MAY pay them for accomplishing their work CHEERFULLY!  Especially if they have been whining lately and I think they forgot how to be happy. My son has learned that the only GUARANTEED way to earn money is to finish his regular responsibilities first and then ask what “extra chores” he can earn money for. These are chores I would normally do like taking the garbage to the curb or sweeping the patio. Maybe even helping his sister go potty while she is potty training. I think this system works very well to show kids that they are expected to help but they are not our servants. If my children whine when I tell them it’s time to clean up after themselves, I keep giving them extra jobs until they can choose to be happy to do them or at least not complain about it.

ARE YOU EXPECTING TOO MUCH?

Sometimes we are get frustrated with our cuties even when they are trying. This happened to me and my 2 year old yesterday. I was once again trying to teach her to put her clothes away by herself by pointing to the pictures on her drawers and having her find the matching items from her clean clothes pile to put inside. However, she wasn’t doing well again and my frustration was making the experience less than appealing for both of us. Today when we were putting clothes away, I decided to sort her clothes for her, have her choose a drawer to open, and hand her the appropriate clothes that matched the picture on that drawer. This skipped the step of sorting her own clothes which developmentally she wasn’t able to do well. It ended up being a pleasant experience and THATS WHAT MATTERS the most. We all want our children to willingly work hard and do their best but the willing part only comes when learning to be independent is a positive experience. She was able to help put her clothes away with a positive experience. One step closer to independence than me doing it all for her!

I EXPECT MY CHILDREN TO TRY

My 3 yr olds favorite phrase seems to be “I can’t do it!” She usually uses it when she just doesn’t want to do something or expects me to help her. But sometimes…she really can’t do it(on her own)! I believe that telling a child to try before helping them is showing confidence in them. It encourages them to try before they ask for help so they can say  “Look! I did it!” and feel the pride that comes. If they try and don’t succeed, praise will come their way for trying! When my 3 yr old repeats her common phrase I just say ” Mommy, will you help me please?” and she repeats the new phrase I have given her. The combined effort to have her try first and then ask for help instead of saying she can’t do it has gone a long way in her self confidence.